The Most Important Thing You Can Do To Help Your Child Be Successful

I realized this week that I’ve fallen into a common (and all-to-familiar) parenting trap again – I’ve allowed urgent issues to crowd out the important ones.  Once again, homework, housework, and sports practices have crowded out time for meaningful conversations and the quiet time I need for reflecting and planning.  The good news is that I’m not alone (yes, I see you over there).  The even better news is that I’ve been here before, and I know how we can get out.

Our escape hinges on this:  we need to focus on just one thing.

I’m often overwhelmed when I think about big issues like climate change, poverty, and our warped healthcare system.  I’m too busy to get my hair cut, so how am I supposed to help the polar bears?  But even things that are closer to home and more immediately relevant, like thinking deeply about what I want my sons to know before they go out into the world, and what I can do to help them develop the knowledge and skills they’ll need, can feel too daunting to consider.  But here’s the key – I don’t have to make an enormous list and do a lot of planning, because even one thing can be enough to make a world of difference. 

Fortunately, figuring out what our kids need to be successful has been the subject of much research lately.  And while there are many character traits and experiences that can help them grow into healthy, happy adults, the experts pretty much agree that there’s one thing in particular that will ensure their success in life:  persistence. 

Persistence is the ability to stay focused and committed to something, regardless of challenges and setbacks, and it’s an even stronger predictor of success than natural talent or intelligence.  Sometimes this trait is called “grit”, and it isn’t something that comes naturally to all of us in every moment.   But we can cultivate it through our beliefs and habits, and we can help our kids learn to do this, too.  Here’s how: 

• Teach a “growth mindset”.   Teach your child that intelligence and abilities are not “fixed” – they can be cultivated with effort.   As reported in "Mindset, The New Psychology of Success", Stanford researcher Carol Dweck has found that, “Although people may differ in every which way – in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments – everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”

• Encourage inquiry and curiosity.  Once kids adopt a growth mindset, self-motivation for learning and curiosity will naturally emerge.  Asking meaningful questions will help stimulate curiosity, according to Daniel Willingham in "Why Don't Students Like School?", and will support students in staying engaged and focused. 

• Plan for failure.  Failure is certainly difficult, but learning to embrace it as a natural part of the learning and growing process, and seizing it as an opportunity to reflect and develop even more meaningful questions, will support our kids in persevering through it.  In fact, in his book "The Power of Habit", Charles Duhigg suggests that those of us who make an actual plan for failure consistently respond more effectively when it happens. 

• Foster emotional awareness.  Frustration and other negative emotions can throw anyone off track.  According to Dan Siegel in "The Whole Brain Child", the simple act of recognizing and naming these emotions when they flood our children’s pre-frontal cortex, the decision-making area of the brain, allows our kids to “make sense of the experience and feel more in control” so they can make better choices and continue to move forward.

So this is the one thing we can do, need to do, to help our kids be successful:  teach them how to persevere.  Even those of us who are severely limited by time and energy can weave the messages about the value of effort, inquiry, failure, and emotional awareness into every-day activities – no special planning, tools, or classes required!  However, if you do find that you have a few minutes and are interested in learning more about any of these areas, I highly recommend picking up any of the books mentioned above – each is worthy of your time.

And who knows? Just maybe, with a little luck, our persevering kids will actually solve the problems of climate change, poverty, and healthcare so I can stop worrying about polar bears and finally focus on cleaning out my kitchen pantry.

3 Interesting Ways To Size Someone Up

If you ever join my family on a weekend outing to the mall, or end up next to us in line at an amusement park, you might be surprised to hear how vigorously we judge the people around us.  It's true that hairstyles and fashion choices often attract our attention (we are human, after all), but if you listen closely you'll notice that what we are actually paying attention to and discussing are people's eyes, the expressions on their faces, and who they are with.  In short, we are discussing how "safe" they are.

Ever since my boys were old enough to walk, we've been talking to them about the idea of safe strangers -- people they could ask for help if they got lost.  Women, and especially women with children, usually top the list of "most likely to be helpful" candidates. Fortunately, we've never had to put their skills to the test.

In spite of our culture's negative views about judging people, it's actually a useful and rather important skill for adults and children alike.  Let's be honest -- it's something we all do anyway, and the ability to size someone up helps us determine not just who we can trust, but who we might want to spend time with or work with.

Maya Angelou, one of the great people observers of our time, famously said "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  I couldn't agree with her more, especially about the tangled tree lights.  I was thinking about this quote the other day as I stood in line at the store, watching a mother with a cranky toddler, and was inspired to add three additional ways to size someone up: 

1. How they manage a child throwing a temper tantrum. 
2. How they respond to receiving the wrong meal at a restaurant.
3. How they react to finding a spider (or any other large bug) in the sink. 

Show me how someone handles a situation where they have little control, an experience that does not meet their expectations, and an unexpected event tinged with fear, and I can tell you a lot about that person. Also, I've found that when these things happen in public, they provide great opportunities to talk to your kids (once you're back in the car, of course) about how well or badly someone managed a situation, and how they themselves would want to respond if they are ever in that same situation.

How about you?  What situations would you add to the list?  Do you ever talk to your kids about them?

It's Groundhog Day in Education

My heart sank last Friday morning as I read the article "More Teachers Are Grouping Students By Ability", which reported that elementary teachers are increasingly grouping kids by ability level again, in spite of significant research that shows this is not an effective practice and is contrary to what their own union recommends. This news comes from the recently-released report by Brookings Institution's Brown Center on American Education, which found that "the percentage of fourth-grade teachers who said they created ability-based reading groups skyrocketed from 28% to 71%. In math, between 1996 and 2011, the practice rose from 40% to 61%."

These teachers must believe that this practice provides some benefit to the students, otherwise they would not be doing this.  However, I wonder how many realize that ability grouping has long been controversial because students often end up being separated by race and class. In addition, I suspect they may not be aware of the research that presents two equally-significant psychological reasons they should avoid ability grouping regardless of the race/class composition in their classrooms: 

1. It can negatively affect students' beliefs in their abilities and therefore their motivation to learn, at every ability level, and 
2. It can negatively affect teachers' beliefs about students' abilities to learn and grow.

Student Beliefs
Dr. Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, recently published an important book describing the connection between belief in our abilities and our actual success in school (and life).  "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success"  describes clearly and compellingly how a "fixed mindset", the belief that intelligence and talent are set and unchangeable, can decrease motivation in any student.  Given that many students operate with this mindset (and I would guess almost all of them do), it is clear that ability grouping can have a significant negative impact on their development.

For example, as you might predict, placing a student in a low-ability group can lead the student to believe that they are of low intellectual ability, resulting in a lack of interest in exerting any effort. After all, what's the use? What's surprising, however, is that Dr. Dweck found that even if the same student is later moved to a higher-ability group, the original belief and motivation to learn don't necessarily change -- these students continue to view themselves as intellectually limited, but now they feel out of place and anxious as well.  Their mindset hasn't changed, and continues to limit them.

As for the higher-ability kids, they don't fare any better.  The research shows that "smart" kids often give up on challenging tasks when they have a fixed mindset because they "...want to make sure they succeed. Smart people should always succeed."  In other words, for kids who are told they are "smart", failure is not an option, so they don't risk stretching themselves, instead choosing success over growth.  Further, and more alarmingly, "they may feel a sense of superiority, since success means that their fixed traits are better than other people's." 

According to Dr. Dweck, the solution for all kids of any level is to teach them a "growth mindset":  understanding that their abilities, intellectual and otherwise, can be developed through learning and practice.  So, informed and skillful teachers can mitigate some of the potential damage of ability-grouping by:

1. Teaching students that they can expand and grow through effort,
2. Consistently emphasizing and recognizing effort over results, and
3. Framing failure as "a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from."  

The problem is that teachers need to be aware of these ideas in order to act on them, and I worry that many don't.  Further, they also need to be aware of another potentially harmful factor:  their own beliefs.
   
Teacher Beliefs
In addition to the very real risk of reinforcing students' negative beliefs about themselves (as described above), there's a further danger that ability grouping can influence the teacher's beliefs as well.  It's called the Pygmalion Effect, and according to psychologist Robert Rosenthal, it is the result when "what one person expects of another comes to serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy." 

Research has shown that teachers' beliefs and expectations about their students can make an enormous difference in the students' achievements.  A teacher who believes in a student's potential and expects that student to succeed is warmer and more encouraging (verbally and non-verbally), provides more material (and often more difficult material), allows more opportunities for the student to contribute, and offers higher-quality feedback. This is an unconscious choice by many teachers, however, and ability grouping can either reflect or reinforce teachers' own limiting beliefs and expectations about their students.


So, if you are a parent whose child is put in an ability-level group, I urge you to do the following:

1.  Take action. Speak to your child's teacher and explain your concerns.  You can let them know that their own union, the National Education Association, is against this practice and even has a statement against it on their web site. Then, jointly come up with a plan for addressing your concerns, including encouraging them to find another way to meet students' needs beyond ability grouping.

2.  Read "Mindset" (see link below).  If your child's teacher is not able or willing to move beyond ability grouping, you will need to intervene with your child. This book will help.




More about "Mindset":  If you are a parent or teacher and have time to read only one book about educating children, this is the one.  Your children's mindset about learning and success will impact them throughout their lives, and the information and techniques in this book will help you support them.





Click here to see other books I recommend.





 

Broad Experience, or Deep Engagement?

You know how you get a song stuck in your head sometimes, and even though its driving you crazy you can't get it out of your mind?  Or how you can get fixated on something someone said, and you keep replaying their words over and over, trying to figure out what they really meant?  Well this week I've added a new category to my "types of obsessive thoughts" list:  Circular Questions.  This is a new one for me, and I've been going round-and-round on one particular question: 

"Is it better to spend your childhood, or your life, 

a little bit interested in a lot of things, 

or a lot interested in one thing?" 

I have the author, Paul Tough, to thank for this.  I've been reading his book "How Children Succeed",  learning how research is showing that positive character traits like perseverance, curiosity, and self-control are actually more important than intelligence when it comes to succeeding in school. Mid-way through the book he begins describing a group of middle-school kids who are members of a chess club at their inner-city school, and how they regularly win chess tournaments against kids from much more affluent schools, including some of the best high schools in their area, and even against some adult chess masters.  He attributes much of their success to their teacher/chess coach who challenges the kids "to look deeply at their own mistakes, examine why they had made them, and think hard about what they might have done differently."  In other words, how to persevere. And part of this perseverance includes hours and hours of practice each day, which means they have time for little else.

So here is where the question is posed. "Is it better to spend your childhood, or your life, a little bit interested in a lot of things, or a lot interested in one thing?"

In spite of what I had just read about the chess club kids, my immediate response was "a little bit interested in a lot of things"; kids should have a chance to try things out and see what they enjoy, to experience as much as possible.  This is certainly what I've encouraged my kids to do, and is what I've spent most of my own life doing -- trying something out, getting pretty good at it (or not), and then moving on.  When given the option of being a "generalist" or a "specialist", the former has always seemed the better choice.

But, it turns out that there's a very strong case to be made for specializing, too, even when you're young.  In the words of the chess coach from the book, "I think it's really liberating for kids to understand what it's like to be passionate about something. They're having momentous experiences that they'll always remember."  Right.  Passion and big experiences -- they're important, too.  The opportunity to deeply engage in an activity, to develop mastery, is rare these days when we're all called on to be "multi-taskers", where technology-driven interruptions and distractions are the norm.

So now I'm reflecting on my original answer to the question, and am rethinking it a bit.  I want my kids to have the experience of being deeply engaged in something meaningful, to push themselves and experience the feeling of accomplishment that comes from dedication to a goal.  

But... I still want them to experience as much of life as they can.  Is there a way to have both?  What do you think?



A note on the book....

Paul Tough has produced an incredibly-researched, well-written book that will serve as a valuable resource for educators and policy-makers.  If you are interested in education, educational policy, or character development, I highly recommend that you pick up a copy.  You will be amazed at all of the great information and insights.  

If you don't have much time, but are still interested in learning more, there is a summary version of the book called "How Children Succeed.... in 30 Minutes".  Just click on either of the images below to order through Amazon.

 

January's Life Lessons

February is the least favorite month of the year for many people, with the holidays well behind us, spring and summer vacations too far out in front of us, and the typical cold, gray weather hanging heavily.  But for me, at least this year, I'm very glad to turn the page on January and welcome February in. January was filled with an unexpected series of life lessons for me this year, and I need these slow days of February as time to rest, recover, and reflect. 

I started the year feeling physically not all that great, although I was optimistic and full of plans.  Unfortunately, my body decided it needed more of my attention and my health went downhill quickly -- I found myself without the energy or mental clarity to do even the simplest of activities:  prepare a meal for my family, run errands, read or write.  For several years now I have been struggling with what I thought was a not-so-serious condition that compromised my immune system, but ever-increasing symptoms toward the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013 drove me to seek out more information and help from other sources in the healthcare community.  Now, after several weeks and many appointments with MDs, naturopaths, and nurse practitioners, I am on the road to understanding what is going on (a little more serious than what I originally thought) and am working with a practitioner who I trust to help me figure out the rest.  

So, the good news is that over the past few days I've begun to feel slightly better, and even though (or really, because) I still have to spend most of my day sitting, my mind is clear enough for the first time in weeks to reflect on what I've been going through and begin to understand that there are some important life lessons to be gleaned from my recent experience.  The first, and most important, is that nobody cares about my health more than I do (nor should they!).  Yes, my family cares and my doctors care, but I'm the one who needs to push, and question, and drive, and push some more -- nobody else can do that for me.  My husband certainly tries, and deserves a medal for how well he has supported me, taken care of me, and even filled in for me when I was too weak or tired to do so, but the ultimate responsibility for my health rests with me.  Knowing what's normal for my body, educating myself, asking lots of questions (even when they are discouraged), and not allowing someone's strong opinions to sway me from what I feel to be true or helpful are really important.  

Which brings me to the next of January's life lessons:  healthy skepticism is, well, healthy.  If someone's opinions or recommendations don't seem right, even if they are an "expert" (actually, especially if they claim to be an expert!), you need to be skeptical, and take the time to do your own research, get other opinions, and ask as many questions as you need to.  I consulted five people from different areas of healthcare over the course of six weeks, and each one, without fail, told me emphatically why their diagnosis and recommendations were right, and why the other opinions I had gathered (and asked them about) were wrong!  Had I gone against my own judgment and intuition, and just stopped with any of these first assessments, I would be much worse off right now, and risking further and more serious health issues.  It turns out that each of them had a piece of the puzzle, but the person who is now treating me was able to see all of the pieces together (and identified a few others, too).

And the third life lesson of the month?  We are not built to live in a constant state of stress. Our bodies and minds are designed to help us survive short periods of fight or flight situations -- to kill the bear, or run from the tiger.  We are not designed for the non-stop, worry-filled lifestyles we all have.  This is not news to me, as it probably isn't to you -- magazine articles and other sources of health information are always warning about the negative impacts of stress.  And even though I've really tried to be aware of this and make healthier choices, I still have more to do, I guess, because the severity of my current health issues are a direct result of too much stress.  So, as I continue to recover, I've decided it's time for a whole new operating system. What does that mean?  It means living differently, from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed; it means basing my thoughts and behavior on a new and improved set of beliefs and expectations.  I'm thinking about it as "reformatting my hard drive" -- loading a whole new operating system whose functionality and features I will consciously choose. There's no doubt this will require a lot of soul-searching and tough choices, but for me it's not an option, and I'm actually (kind of) looking forward to it because I know I will feel better, and I also know that my kids will benefit as well. 

As I've mentioned in other posts, both of my boys are very emotionally aware, and I've noticed how my emotional states impact theirs, both positively and negatively.  When I am calm and centered, they are much more relaxed and happy; when I am rushing around or frazzled from doing too many things, they become more emotional or quiet.  Whoever first described children as sponges was entirely correct, and I tend to forget how much of an impact the example my husband and I set has on them.  I'm hoping that the changes I make now result in our days moving at a slower, more peaceful pace (which I can already see happening), but I'm also taking a longer-term perspective.  The choices I make and tools I employ will hopefully set an example that the boys will remember when they are adults and making lifestyle choices for themselves and their families.  So, even though the weather outside is damp and gray this month, it's perfectly-timed for me -- I have lots of thinking, and even more resting, to do!

If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.

~  Hippocrates (c.460 - 400 BC)

My Favorite Holiday

My family and I have never spent much energy celebrating the New Year's holiday -- no loud parties, horn blowing or confetti for us this time of year.  Instead, we tend to prefer a quieter approach, usually involving a nice dinner, a couple of glasses of champagne, and a normal bed time (often before midnight even rolls around).  This doesn't mean, however, that the beginning of the new year isn't significant for us.  In fact, it's probably my favorite holiday.

After the busyness, excitement, and fast pace of of the weeks from Thanksgiving through Christmas, a quiet New Year's Eve is something I look forward to, not just with a sense of relief that there are no more gifts to be wrapped or elaborate meals to be planned (although there is some of that), but mostly with a sense of anticipation. I know many people, most of whom are still high on Christmas adrenaline, get excited about making resolutions for the new year, and even more seem to enjoy making snide remarks about the practice, but I take genuine pleasure in the process of reflecting on the year that has passed, and especially like the sense of starting fresh in a new year.  It's like spring cleaning, but on the inside.  

New Year's Day is when I sit down with my old calendar and my new calendar side-by-side and, while writing in the birthdays and anniversaries for the coming year, I also reflect on the events and highlights of the past year -- the "moments".  While this could be construed as a melancholy or overly-sentimental ritual, for me it's a tradition that gives me time to think about what went well this year and what didn't, to take stock and put to rest any lingering regrets or concerns. It ends (rather symbolically) with me putting the old calendar in the trash and hanging the new calendar on the wall. I always come away from the process with a feeling of lightness, a sense of having a "clean slate" with which to start the new year (the same feeling I have when my closets are clean!)

And so, as my internal cleaning process begins on the final day of this year, I can say that 2012 has been a pretty good year, with significantly more positives than negatives.  I truly have a lot to be grateful for -- there's really not much I would change in my life.  It's also been a year of a few challenges and losses that I am happy to put behind me.  My personal intentions for 2013 come primarily from these challenges and the insights I gained from them, with an emphasis on decreasing the things that cause stress (an overly busy schedule, worrying about unimportant things) and increasing the time I spend doing things that make me happy and give me energy (writing, painting, hiking, reading.)  Also on the list, and more in the category of "goals" are:

• Performing 100 random acts of kindness (this is a family goal that our boys will be doing this with us, and we've already begun!),
• Developing my new "Teach Your Own" web site, and
• Writing and publishing a homeschooling curriculum.

I hope that you are also beginning 2013 with a sense of hope and excitement.  May you have a smooth and happy transition into the new year, whatever your New Year's traditions might be.  

Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. 

-Henry Ward Beecher

 

Our Children Are Watching

My initial shock and horror about the tragic events this week, beginning with the mall shooting near where I live followed by the even more horrific school shootings in Connecticut, are slowly giving way to hope today.   As our elected leaders take the first tentative steps to discussing gun control, and public demonstrations demanding more reasonable policies grow in number and strength, I am optimistic that maybe, finally, we've reached a turning point in the United States.   

Sadness and fear (especially fear), however, have been my predominant emotions over the past few days, particularly as the first reports of each of these events were breaking.  And for a short time, I actually considered the possibility of buying a gun.  If violence in formerly-safe places like shopping malls and schools is going to be more common, shouldn't I take steps to protect myself and my children? My husband and my brother (a police officer) have been encouraging me to get a gun for several years now, and I have resisted so far, but this past weekend my resolve began to wane.  And apparently I wasn't alone -- several news outlets reported record-breaking gun and ammunition sales in recent days, many to first-time owners.

I have decided that I will not be joining the ranks of gun owners, though, for one main reason:  I do not want to be a person who succumbs to fear. Buying guns out of fear perpetuates the problem by putting more guns on the street.  The only way out of this is to recognize and accept that we cannot prevent bad things from happening, and guns do not guarantee our safety.  As scary and difficult as these events are for all of us, I strongly believe that this is a time for us to find our strength, disengage from the cycle of violence and fear, and act based on what we value.  This is an opportunity for us to connect with our better natures, not just for our own personal growth and peace of mind, but also for our childrens'. 

Child development experts are advising us to help our children through this time by reassuring them that they are safe, that these events are rare.  This is true, and I know many families are having these types of conversations with their kids.  But how can we deliver this message in a believable way if we are reacting to our own fear, arming ourselves and our teachers (as some people are proposing)?  Our words become meaningless and our actions are what our kids will remember -- they are watching us closely.  In short, how we respond to these events will significantly impact how our children view the world and, perhaps more importantly, how they will manage difficult times when they are the adults. 

So, as I've been working through my own emotions I also have been talking to my boys about fear, describing the differences between healthy fear and irrational fear, and how to manage each.  I have shared only the smallest amount of information with them about the recent shootings, and have emphasized in each conversation the wonderful advice that Mr. Rogers left us:  "In any tragic event, look for the helpers. They are always there."  I will also make sure that they see me taking action to support what I believe in -- writing letters and signing petitions for gun control laws, advocating for more support for the mentally ill.  This is the only healthy way through tragedies like this, and this is the example I want to set for my sons.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience 

in which we really stop to look fear in the face... 

we must do that which we think we cannot.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt