If You Could Write Your Own Prescription...

In May I spent a lot of time thinking about and writing about meditation and other mindfulness practices, and toward the end of the last post, "Minding the Gap", I introduced the idea of self-compassion because I know most parents are very hard on themselves -- worry and guilt seem to play a big role in this job.  It's true that there's a lot of responsibility that comes with raising children, which is why we feel so much pressure, and it's also true that we're all trying to do the best we can with the time, energy, and other resources we have available.  It's easy to forget.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't continue to try to do a better job, however.  We can simultaneously hold the ideas that we are "good enough", while at the same time knowing that we can do even better.  To really rise to our potential, to enjoy this process of raising children, learning and growing are key.  And in order to learn and grow, we need to take care of ourselves.  It's the familiar "put your oxygen mask on first..." concept.  Which makes sense and sounds great, but can be so hard to do in the midst of working, laundry, and shuttling kids around.  So here's the deal -- we need a plan. 

As a crazy coincidence, as I've been thinking about these ideas of self-care and self-compassion this week, I happened to be listening to a recorded conversation between two authors, Lissa Ranking and Brenee Brown, and they touched on this very topic of taking care of themselves.  Here's what they both said:  they have written themselves their own health prescriptions. They have these prescriptions written on pieces of paper that they carry around with them.  On their lists are things like how much sleep they need, foods they avoid, exercise schedules, and other items that fall into the category of "sanity maintenance", like limiting work hours and getting comfortable with saying "no".

Before this, I hadn't really thought about how I take care of myself as a "prescription" before, but the idea really resonates with me.  Without knowing it, I would say that up until now my prescription has included: 

• 9 Hours of Sleep:  I'm a sleeper -- always have been, always will be. For years I've envied those who could get by on seven hours or less (my uncle is a four-hour per night person), and tried to get by on less myself for a while, hoping I could train my body. Nope. So finally I've accepted it -- I'm a sleeper.
  
• Daily Meditation.  I've written a lot about this recently, so will only say that I'm on my cushion for 30-minutes a day.  When I miss a day, my emotions and energy suffer.



Sooo fresh -- we picked them ourselves!

• No Sugar or Flour.  I started following the Paleo diet when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and it has made a world of difference for me.  I have almost no inflammation in my body, and have much less pain than others who have the same health issues I do.  The first weeks coming off of sugar were tough, I can't deny it, but they were totally worth it.  I eat protein, vegetables, and some fruit (low glycemic, primarily apples) and have no sugar cravings.

Now I'm thinking about adding to it, and have had a lot of fun the past couple of days just thinking about what I will include.  I want my prescriptions to be realistic and sustainable -- daily massages would be wonderful, but just won't happen. Maybe a monthly massage, though?  And I love having fresh flowers on my desk, so maybe a weekly purchase of fresh flowers?  The possibilities are endless, and soooo much fun to consider. So I'm curious to know -- What's on your personal prescription list?  What should be on it?  Any good ideas?

"Enjoying a life of extreme self care means living and working in a soul-nurturing environment; developing a greater appreciation for, and connection with, nature; doing work that provides an opportunity to express your greatest gifts and talents; and caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health in a way that's aligned with who you are and what you most need."

 - Cheryl Richardson, Extreme Self-Care

Minding the Gap

Meditation, Week 4

The previous posts this month have all focused on the benefits of regular meditation and mindfulness practices and how, even when we are aware of the physical and psychological benefits of these practices, it can still be difficult to make time for them.  So if it's difficult to be mindful on a typical day, what about the days and moments when we really need them -- moments of extreme stress or overwhelming emotions?  What then?

This is how a mother of a young son described her situation after reading my last post, Mindfulness Blooming. She wrote that she would like her son to:

"...think it through before he says things that he knows is wrong or mean. 

I like the whole approach about 'choice' - make a good choice or that 

was a good choice. But his bad behavior is getting very, very repetitive 

and frustrating because he's so impulsive."

Anyone who has been a parent of young children can certainly relate to this and, if we're being honest, we must admit that even as adults we have impulsive moments when we react unconsciously and say or do something we later regret.  How does mindfulness come into play in these situations?

The short answer is:  by creating space.  Mindfulness is the process of creating a moment of space, a gap, between when we experience an emotion and when we choose a response to it.  The trigger for the emotion can be almost anything:  something we see, something someone says or does to us, or even a thought we have.  No matter how hard we might try (and believe me, I have tried!), we cannot control what other people do, nor can we control our emotional response to it, but what we can control is how we respond. 

• First, we need to name the emotion, and often there are more than one. This may sound simple, but when emotions are strong and mixed together, it often takes some time to untangle them.  And there is science that supports how important the naming process is -- just saying to ourselves "I'm angry" helps our prefrontal cortex, the decision-making part of our brain, begin to "unflood" so we can think more clearly.

• Next, we need to focus on our bodies.  Again, this sounds easy, but as we all know, pausing in the heat of the moment long enough to notice what's happening in our body can be tough.  If we pay attention, though, there are often physical cues that go along with an emotion that can eventually be "early warning" indicators as we become more aware.   

For kids the "minding the gap" process is the same, we just need to coach them through it gently and patiently.  I describe one of the first times I did this with my son, Ben, in an earlier post Developing Minds.  Since that event, I've also noticed that sometimes I can tell even before my boys do that something has affected them -- with my older son, Sam, it's often a particular look in his eye that alerts me, and I can then ask him how he's feeling, which helps him in directing his attention.  

Finally, there's another aspect of parenting mindfully that I don't think is addressed as frequently as it should be, and that is "self compassion". I was first introduced to this idea at a meditation retreat, and it deeply resonated with me.  As parents, we work hard to raise our children and provide them with everything they need, and its easy to blame ourselves or feel discouraged when our kids don't behave in the way we would like them to, when they continue to struggle with particular issues.  We need to be patient with them and with ourselves.  For me this can be difficult sometimes, but I find that trying to look at myself from the perspective of someone who loves me helps, as does including myself when I do lovingkindness meditations.  We can all benefit from a little extra compassion from any source. So this week, practice saying to yourself...

May I be happy,

May I be well,

May I be free from pain and suffering.

Activities for Meditation, Week 4

This week's activities have been selected to help you:

1. Consider ideas for parenting mindfully,
2. Find emotional and mental space in everyday moments,and
3. Have some fun with your kids doing random acts of kindness.

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When you have five minutes...

Watch this 2-minute video of Dr. Christine Carter talking about mindful parenting:  

http://youtu.be/XIryQI2m_oE

What can you do this week to be a more mindful parent, and create space between your emotions and your actions?

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When you have 15 minutes... 

Notice the "wallpaper" in your own mind.   This mindfulness practice comes from Rick Hanson, and is something you can do standing in line at the grocery store, or any time you have a few minutes this week.  Here's how:

"Enjoy emptiness in the forms that speak to you: perhaps the quiet at night 

when everyone's asleep but you, a blank page in your journal, a friend's 

receptive listening, an open counter as you begin to cook (love this one myself), 

a hole in your schedule, the space between thoughts 

as your mind calms and becomes still, or a Saturday with no plans at all." 

- Rick Hanson

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When you have 30 minutes or more... 

Do random acts of kindness.  Here's a list of ideas to get you started, but it will be especially fun if you and your kids add your own ideas that are especially meaningful or enjoyable to you. 

1. Take food to the food bank.
2. Leave flowers on the doorstep of someone you sense might benefit from some extra kindness this week. 
3. Offer to babysit for someone with young kids.
4. Pick up trash in a neighborhood park.
5. Write a thank-you note to someone whose work you appreciate:  the local police/fire department, a teacher, your mailman...