Developing Minds

We have family friends visiting this week, and they have an eleven-year-old son who is very good friends with my eleven-year-old.  The first few days of their visits are always fun and exciting, but inevitably the "Rule of 3's" surfaces.  That is, three kids cannot play happily together for too long before someone feels left out. This is especially true if one of the three is younger, as is the case for my eight-year-old son right now.

So, I was not surprised this morning when the sounds of boys playing with Legos changed to sounds of boys arguing.  I went to investigate and ended up listening from another room, curious about how they might solve whatever problem had ignited them. My younger son, Ben, was clearly the one who was most upset, and was very frustrated that the other two seemed to have "joined forces" against him.  In short, he was feeling left out.  After a few minutes he angrily left the other two and went to his room, where I joined him.

Now, anyone who knows Ben at all knows two things about him:  1)  He is extremely heart-centered, and 2) His big brother, Sam, owns the prime real estate of Ben's heart.  So when someone or something else takes too much of Sam's time or attention, Ben's emotional snow globe gets shaken.  He feels all sorts of emotions all at once:  sad, angry, scared (that "Sam doesn't love me anymore!"), and trying to reason with him in the moment is impossible.  Today's incident was not the first of its kind, and I've been researching ways to help him through these emotionally overwhelming times.

The book entitled "The Whole-Brain Child", by Dr. Daniel Siegel of UCLA, has been my primary guide to understanding these emotional storms and helping Ben through them.  From the very beginning of the book, Dr. Siegel describes the moments when our kids "become overwhelmed by their emotions, confused and chaotic", when they "can't respond calmly and capably to the situations at hand", as the moments when the various parts of their brain are not integrated.  Fortunately, the strategies he recommends for integrating the brain are very simple and, as I look at the now-smiling face of my eight-year-old, very effective.  Here's a summary of the process I used with Ben earlier today, including some of the suggestions from Dr. Siegel (first two steps) and another one I picked up from a mindfulness educator I recently met:

1. Name the emotion.  Based on MRIs conducted on adults and children, it turns out that just naming the emotion we're feeling helps our brains begin the process of "unflooding" so we can think more clearly. I know -- hard to believe, but I've tested it with both of my boys, and it's true!
2. Describe how the body feels.  Ask your child how the emotion(s) they just named (anger, sadness, whatever) feel in their body.  Bringing awareness to the body, even if your child says "I don't know how my body feels!!" re-engages the pre-frontal cortex -- the problem-solving part of the brain.
3. Look around the room.   You may notice that even after your child starts calming down (after the first two steps), they sometimes ramp back up again as they remember whatever triggered them in the first place.  If you find your child in this loop (as Ben was this morning), tell them that you're not going to ask them to stop crying, but that you do want them to slowly look around the room as they do.  This process visually (and unconsciously) reminds them that they are safe -- no tigers or bears here. You might even verbally reinforce this by softly saying something like "You're safe here".

This is exactly the process I followed with Ben and, once his emotions were under control, we had a short conversation with the two older boys in which Ben explained why he was upset.  That interaction went very well (I'll describe it in more detail in a future post), and now we're all happily heading out to the playground.  Whew!

Math + Clock = Anxiety

It has become apparent to me over the past few months that anxiety is a recurring issue for both of my sons, though they show it in different ways and are triggered by different things.  For my eleven-year-old son, anxiety tends to show up primarily when doing schoolwork, and especially if he is taking any type of timed test (as he was required to do a few weeks ago).  In helping him get ready to take his state test, we spent lots of time preparing, and mostly focused on math as this seemed to be the subject that made him the most uncomfortable.  No fan of math tests myself (who doesn't remember the heart-thumping, palm-sweating race through pages of problems, dreading the words "pencils down"?), I tried to share all of my best test-taking wisdom, but honestly I'm not sure much of it really helped lower his anxiety level.

Several days after his test, I was amazed at the coincidence when I came across an article in Education Week related to this very topic:  "Timed Tests and the Development of Math Anxiety."  Written by a professor of math education at Stanford, Jo Boaler, the author describes important research results about math testing that all parents and teachers need to be aware of:

• Math stress impedes students' working memory (the area of the brain used for storing math facts and calculating numbers), which reduces achievement.
• Math test anxiety has a higher negative impact on students who have the largest working memories -- as the author says, "the very students who have the potential to take mathematics to higher levels."
•  Math anxiety actually "changes the structure and workings of the brain."  

  
Unfortunately for our children, as Dr. Boaler points out, timed math tests are likely to continue amongst even the earliest grades given the emphasis in many curriculums on "math fluency" (working quickly) versus a focus on understanding and applying math concepts.  As parents it is difficult to change the system on our own, so what can we do?  I think our best recourse is to reassure our kids that we will support them, and to provide them with strategies to reduce their anxiety. Here are some specific ideas for doing this:

For All Ages

1.  Talk to the teacher.  With the school year starting soon, most teachers schedule parent-teacher conferences early in the year.  Use this opportunity to ask your child's teacher to describe their approach to teaching math, and be prepared to ask questions about how the teacher plans to help students manage anxiety and ensure true understanding of math concepts. Be prepared to mention some of the research (see link above) since many teachers may not be aware of the current information.

2.  Talk to your child.  Ask how they feel about math and math tests, and ask what you can do to help them feel more prepared and less anxious.  Notice how your own issues with math may unexpectedly show up, and feel free to talk about them with your child -- they'll notice anyway.

 For Children in Early Grades (K-5)

3.  Demonstrate the value of math.  Help your child see how math is used in everyday activities:  weighing produce at the grocery store, estimating the grocery bill as you shop, making change, calculating sales taxes and tips, figuring out the area of a room. Kids who understand the value of math will be more likely to see it as important, not just something they have to do at school.

4.  Make it fun.  I know, most of us don't think of "fun" and "math" together, but it is possible to connect these two concepts for our kids.  Logic puzzles and creative problem-solving games help kids build skills to understand math concepts and, maybe more importantly, build self-confidence.  One of my favorites that my kids actually enjoy (I promise!) is doing "Perplexors" and "Math Perplexors" together (both by MindWare).

For Older Children (Junior High and High School)

5. Encourage questions.  By sixth grade it's likely that your child has already decided whether or not they are "good" at math, and talking about it with you may not be high on their priority list.  If you have an opportunity, though, strongly encourage your child to ask questions during math class.  Research has shown that those who do best in math tend to ask a lot of questions.  Most kids this age are trying to blend in, and answering a question incorrectly or doing anything else that may open them to ridicule is a fate worse than death.  However, reassuring them that most people experience anxiety about math may help.
6. Create a mantra.  In a stressful moment, nothing works better to focus the mind and calm the nerves than deep breathing and a self-affirming mantra.  You and your child should come up with something that works for them, but here are a few suggestions to work from:

• My self-worth is not based on how well I do math.
• I am capable of learning math.
• I have the right to define success for myself.

I would love to hear other ideas from parents who have had success helping their kids overcome math anxieties, so if you have something to share, please do! 


 

How Easy It Is

June has passed by in a flash, and as I sit here and review the past month in my mind, I realize how easy it is to get swept away by the busyness of normal everyday life. It's true that June was exceptionally busy for me and my family -- Sam had to take his 5th grade state test (a requirement for homeschoolers in Oregon) and some extra preparation was required given his level of test anxiety, my husband was traveling more than usual, and Sam celebrated his 11th birthday.  Not to mention that gymnastics practices and swimming practices changed to their summer schedules mid-month, so an entire re-planning of the regular routine was required. But our family is not different from most others and, truthfully, in any given month there's always something new or unusual that requires adjustment or planning.

So, I am reminded how easy it is to be distracted from things that are important to me.  Doing the things that keep me healthy and centered took a back seat to family needs this month, and I can feel the impact this has had on my energy level, creativity, and general mood. The vision of the mother overwhelmed by all that is on her plate, too busy to take care of herself, is a cliche at this point, I know. I will not take time to describe her once again, or explore why she exists -- I (we) just do.  The Buddhists have a meditation practice of gently, non-judgmentally returning your attention to your breath when you realize your mind has wandered, and that is what I will do today as we begin a new month:  gently and mindfully I will exercise, write, and maybe even take a nap!

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, 

we lose connection with one another -- and  ourselves.

~ Jack Kornfield

Taking the Reins

As I immerse myself in the current research and discussions on the topic of student motivation, I'm feeling both frustrated and relieved.  Relieved because there are so many thoughtful researchers and educators who are tuned into this issue, and frustrated because the information and dialogues seem to involve such a small group of people.  In my experience as a parent who was very involved in my children's classrooms for the years they attended (a charter school and a public elementary school), and through my discussions with my network of family and friends, I have seen little evidence that any of the ideas for engaging students in the classroom and creating opportunities for them to drive their own education have "trickled down" into the typical school environment.  There are many reasons for this, and I know there are many experts and politicians who are talking about fixing the US public education system, but for those with kids in school now, there's no time to wait.

So on the individual level, as parents and teachers, we're going to have to do this -- to lead the way and make sure our kids get the best education possible. And this will likely require developing a plan that includes a variety of different resources from outside of the classroom:  assisted homework, family projects that apply classroom learning, summer classes, tutors, internships, mentors, and more.  This may sound like too much work for the many families who are already tremendously time-constrained, and there's no doubt that time and energy will be required, but I honestly believe it's doable, and that even small changes will have an impact.

Therefore, this is my mission with this blog:  to support families who are trying to do the best for their children's education with limited time and finances.  I will bring the most relevant and useful information, tools, and ideas I can to this space and will, as frequently as possible, describe my own successes and failures in incorporating different methods and tools in educating my own sons. And along the way, I hope to build a network of supportive families who can share their own experiences and help inspire us all.

"It's no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' 
You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary."

-Winston Churchill

How Do You Define Homeschooling?

As I was chatting with the dental hygienist last week while she was cleaning my son's teeth, she asked me which school the boys attend.   I still brace myself before replying to this type of question, assuming there is a strong potential the other person will have a critical opinion of homeschooling.  Once again I was surprised by the positive response, and especially by how lit up her face became as she exclaimed "That's so great! My sister homeschooled her kids -- I wish I had homeschooled my daughter."  I've lost track of how many times I've been met with this type of acceptance and support, and always appreciate it (guess it's time to start expecting it!).  But her comment about wishing she had made this choice for her daughter stuck with me all throughout the weekend.

I think the reason I kept mentally replaying the conversation is that I'm uncomfortable with limiting the idea of homeschooling to "doing school at home."  Yes, my boys and I sit at the kitchen table most days and do math problems and spelling exercises, so in that respect they have gone from one type of classroom to another. However, we actually spend only about 2-3 hours per day doing this traditional type of schoolwork, and I honestly think this is the least-productive learning my kids do.  For example, I taught my older son about decimals and percentages at the kitchen table earlier this year, and he did many worksheets and word problems where he was calculating percentages (correctly!).  He seemed to have grasped the idea.  So, imagine my surprise when we went out to dinner one night and I asked him to calculate the tip for our dinner bill, and he was at a complete loss -- no idea what to do or even where to begin! I realized that learning in context is key, and now he is responsible for figuring out the tip every time we go out, in addition to calculating change, taxes, and service charges.


I strongly believe that parents can teach their kids anywhere, any time, and probably even more effectively than in the classroom.  This is actually homeschooling, even if it doesn't occur in a school building during normal school hours. I am concerned when I meet parents who seem to feel disconnected from their kids' education, thinking it is best left to the "experts" at school -- this is not ideal!  Even for children who attend the best schools with fantastic teachers, the classroom environment is limited (and limiting), and any parent with the interest and energy can and should homeschool through family projects and "applied learning" opportunities.


As for us, some recent examples of homeschooling activities include supporting the boys in starting a business, tracking their swimming times and gymnastics scores, predicting weather temperatures and conditions, and producing movies about subjects they choose. And here's the best part: I'm having a great time and learning a lot, too!

Leaping into Homeschooling

My husband and I suddenly made the decision to homeschool our two sons in January of 2011, when they were halfway through 4th and 1st grades.  This hadn't been our plan for educating them, nor had we discussed the idea in any great detail in the months prior. In fact, we had just moved to Oregon from another state and specifically chose our new community because its school district was (and still is) so highly rated.  After six months, however, it became agonizingly clear that even in one of the best school districts with the best teachers, public education was not working for either of the boys.

Prior to leaping off this cliff, we had casually discussed the idea of homeschooling, but primarily in the context of "Wouldn't it be great to take a year off and travel around the world?"  So, the idea wasn't a completely new one and it was something I had looked into, but for me it still felt like one of those dreams where you find yourself walking into a testing hall, and then panic when you realize you haven't attended a single class or studied at all for the exam. The sense of responsibility I felt was instant and overwhelming, and the only reason I continued forward is because I knew, in a way that I only rarely know things (deep down in my gut), that this was the right choice.

My first day "on the job" I immediately began researching curricular options, materials, local support groups -- anything I could find that would help assure me that I could do this. What I discovered in those early days of research, and subsequent weeks of talking to family and friends about our choice, was not anything close to what I expected.  It turns out that over 2 million kids in the United States are homeschooled, and not just kids in families with strong religious views, or with learning or behavioral issues -- many families who just decided that their kids would be better off learning at home.  And I was especially surprised by how many friends and relatives said they wished they could homeschool, too! Wow!  Different reasons prevent them from making this choice, and it is certainly a very personal choice that is not right for everyone, so I was truly encouraged by their support.

Now, as we approach the end of our first full academic year at home, I can only say that this is the best decision I've ever made, and my family and I are more committed than ever to this path.  This doesn't mean, however, that I don't worry sometimes (okay, fairly regularly) about whether my kids will be seen as "weird" as they move out into the world, and whether I'm doing enough to prepare them academically and socially.  Which is why I am continuously looking for information about homeschooling ideas and resources and, yes, statistics, to calm my fears and validate our choice.  My reassurance this week comes from the "College@Home" site which is predicting that Homeschooling is the Future.   I love being on the leading edge of a trend!

Failing Productively

After publishing my last post, I happened upon an article written by a college professor about students' fear of failure, and her thoughts about how we need to help students learn to use failure productively.  (To read the full article:  Next Time, Fail Better)  The article focuses primarily on comparing how students in two different academic disciplines (computer science vs. humanities) have learned to deal with failure (or not), and how difficult it is for those who are not accustomed to experiencing failure to struggle through this experience, even describing it as "demeaning".  In my prior role as a graduate-level business instructor I was responsible for reviewing and grading many reports and business plans, and can confirm that business students (and I worked with hundreds of them during my time at the university) very closely resemble the humanities students Professor Krebs describes.

I certainly understand (all too well!) that failure is difficult, no matter who we are or how many times we have experienced it.  But as far as I can tell, teaching kids to deal with the negative emotions that come with failure is a critical skill on the path to adulthood, as is developing related skills:  personal insight, critical thinking, resilience, perseverance, patience.  As Professor Krebs points out, those that learn how to deal with failure also "learn something they can use to get closer to success the next time."  Failure is not something to fear, but something to use.


So, in terms of the idea of paying kids for good grades...

For some families, getting straight "A"s is the definition of success, and those kids may very well learn how to cope with failure along the way toward this goal.  But what insights are they gaining in the process -- what it takes to please the teacher they have this year? And what will inspire them to be patient and persevere -- financial gains?  Maybe it's just me, but this paints a very bleak picture of the world.  As an alternative, what if we defined success in terms of interests they have explored, insights they have gained ("Turns out, I hate basket weaving!"), and effort they have invested in developing knowledge and skills?  This is a different spin on the idea of "failing productively", with more of a long-term perspective, and I think it's a useful one.  It may actually help us produce adults who aren't afraid to think creatively and take risks, who care less about their public image and more about interacting with the world in a genuine way.

 

"The men who try to do something and fail 
are infinitely better than those 

who try to do nothing and succeed."  ~Lloyd Jones