3 Interesting Ways To Size Someone Up

If you ever join my family on a weekend outing to the mall, or end up next to us in line at an amusement park, you might be surprised to hear how vigorously we judge the people around us.  It's true that hairstyles and fashion choices often attract our attention (we are human, after all), but if you listen closely you'll notice that what we are actually paying attention to and discussing are people's eyes, the expressions on their faces, and who they are with.  In short, we are discussing how "safe" they are.

Ever since my boys were old enough to walk, we've been talking to them about the idea of safe strangers -- people they could ask for help if they got lost.  Women, and especially women with children, usually top the list of "most likely to be helpful" candidates. Fortunately, we've never had to put their skills to the test.

In spite of our culture's negative views about judging people, it's actually a useful and rather important skill for adults and children alike.  Let's be honest -- it's something we all do anyway, and the ability to size someone up helps us determine not just who we can trust, but who we might want to spend time with or work with.

Maya Angelou, one of the great people observers of our time, famously said "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."  I couldn't agree with her more, especially about the tangled tree lights.  I was thinking about this quote the other day as I stood in line at the store, watching a mother with a cranky toddler, and was inspired to add three additional ways to size someone up: 

1. How they manage a child throwing a temper tantrum. 
2. How they respond to receiving the wrong meal at a restaurant.
3. How they react to finding a spider (or any other large bug) in the sink. 

Show me how someone handles a situation where they have little control, an experience that does not meet their expectations, and an unexpected event tinged with fear, and I can tell you a lot about that person. Also, I've found that when these things happen in public, they provide great opportunities to talk to your kids (once you're back in the car, of course) about how well or badly someone managed a situation, and how they themselves would want to respond if they are ever in that same situation.

How about you?  What situations would you add to the list?  Do you ever talk to your kids about them?

Broad Experience, or Deep Engagement?

You know how you get a song stuck in your head sometimes, and even though its driving you crazy you can't get it out of your mind?  Or how you can get fixated on something someone said, and you keep replaying their words over and over, trying to figure out what they really meant?  Well this week I've added a new category to my "types of obsessive thoughts" list:  Circular Questions.  This is a new one for me, and I've been going round-and-round on one particular question: 

"Is it better to spend your childhood, or your life, 

a little bit interested in a lot of things, 

or a lot interested in one thing?" 

I have the author, Paul Tough, to thank for this.  I've been reading his book "How Children Succeed",  learning how research is showing that positive character traits like perseverance, curiosity, and self-control are actually more important than intelligence when it comes to succeeding in school. Mid-way through the book he begins describing a group of middle-school kids who are members of a chess club at their inner-city school, and how they regularly win chess tournaments against kids from much more affluent schools, including some of the best high schools in their area, and even against some adult chess masters.  He attributes much of their success to their teacher/chess coach who challenges the kids "to look deeply at their own mistakes, examine why they had made them, and think hard about what they might have done differently."  In other words, how to persevere. And part of this perseverance includes hours and hours of practice each day, which means they have time for little else.

So here is where the question is posed. "Is it better to spend your childhood, or your life, a little bit interested in a lot of things, or a lot interested in one thing?"

In spite of what I had just read about the chess club kids, my immediate response was "a little bit interested in a lot of things"; kids should have a chance to try things out and see what they enjoy, to experience as much as possible.  This is certainly what I've encouraged my kids to do, and is what I've spent most of my own life doing -- trying something out, getting pretty good at it (or not), and then moving on.  When given the option of being a "generalist" or a "specialist", the former has always seemed the better choice.

But, it turns out that there's a very strong case to be made for specializing, too, even when you're young.  In the words of the chess coach from the book, "I think it's really liberating for kids to understand what it's like to be passionate about something. They're having momentous experiences that they'll always remember."  Right.  Passion and big experiences -- they're important, too.  The opportunity to deeply engage in an activity, to develop mastery, is rare these days when we're all called on to be "multi-taskers", where technology-driven interruptions and distractions are the norm.

So now I'm reflecting on my original answer to the question, and am rethinking it a bit.  I want my kids to have the experience of being deeply engaged in something meaningful, to push themselves and experience the feeling of accomplishment that comes from dedication to a goal.  

But... I still want them to experience as much of life as they can.  Is there a way to have both?  What do you think?



A note on the book....

Paul Tough has produced an incredibly-researched, well-written book that will serve as a valuable resource for educators and policy-makers.  If you are interested in education, educational policy, or character development, I highly recommend that you pick up a copy.  You will be amazed at all of the great information and insights.  

If you don't have much time, but are still interested in learning more, there is a summary version of the book called "How Children Succeed.... in 30 Minutes".  Just click on either of the images below to order through Amazon.