Peeking at Heaven

Late yesterday morning the boys and I were getting ready to head out to do some errands, and I asked them to brush their teeth and get dressed. Sam, my 11-year-old, came into the kitchen a few minutes later declaring himself "ready to go".  I immediately noticed he was wearing his favorite, very worn out pair of sweatpants, and said "You need to wear something without holes in the knees." He left, returning a couple of minutes later wearing another pair of sweatpants that clearly needed to be in the laundry.  Slightly exasperated, I asked him to please find something that was also clean, to which he replied "Why do we have to get so dressed up?!"  I paused, open-mouthed for a moment, as the absurdity of his question hit me, and then started laughing so hard I could barely speak. "Wearing clean clothes without holes does not constitute 'dressing up'!" I finally choked out, but I'm not sure he heard me because by then, he was laughing too.

Sharing a genuine, full-belly laugh together felt really good, and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd done that.  Given my dual role as both mom and teacher, I tend to be the parent who focuses more on getting things done, making sure everyone gets to the right place at the right time.  (My husband, who is genuinely funny, tends to be the more light-hearted one.)  But yesterday reminded me how nice it is to lighten up sometimes, to just shift my perspective and see something other than the next thing on the "to do" list.

We were still giggling by the time we pulled out of the driveway in our "dressed up" clothes, and felt very close to each other the rest of the day.  So now, instead of doing laundry tomorrow, I'm thinking dance party in the living room!

"While laughing with your child

you'll take a peek at heaven."

~  Judy Ford

Developing Minds, Part II: The Power of Stories

After an earlier post, "Developing Minds", I heard from a couple of people (both of whom know my children) about the conversation between the three boys that I mentioned toward the end of the post.  Both people were curious about how this conversation came about and, specifically, whether or not it was one of those uncomfortable, parent-forced "let's all share our feelings now" kind of talks.  I assured them that it was not, and thought it might be helpful to provide a more detailed description of this part of the boys' interaction.

To recap, Ben was feeling upset and left out when his older brother, Sam, was playing with a visiting friend.  His predominant feelings were of anger and fear, and I described in the first "Developing Minds" post the process I used to help Ben manage these very strong emotions.  The idea for talking to the other boys, once he was calm, was entirely Ben's.

I have to confess that I wasn't initially comfortable with the idea of Ben opening himself up emotionally to the other boys, but I supported his need to tell his story because I knew it was a healthy instinct on his part. As Daniel Siegel ("The Whole-Brain Child") points out, "it's important for kids of all ages to tell their stories, as it helps them try to understand their emotions and the events that occur in their lives."  In other words, by telling his story, Ben was helping himself understand his experience and make sense of his emotions.  He also could have accomplished this by talking to me (or another adult) about it, or by writing or drawing pictures about it a journal. And in a different situation, with different kids, I might have recommended one of these alternatives, but Sam and his friend are both emotionally-aware eleven-year-olds, and I realized there was also something in this situation for them -- an empathy-building opportunity.

The discussion itself was rather brief (about 5 minutes), and I encouraged the classic interpersonal communication guideline of using "I" statements.  If you're like me, sometimes these "communication rules" make you cringe -- they can seem very forced and artificial. I look at it this way:  focusing on your own emotions and avoiding blaming the other person really does help make the interaction more productive, and allows you to move on more quickly.  So, I have found this particular technique to be useful.

When the boys got together, Ben was able to succinctly describe his feelings in several sentences (he practiced with me first), the older boys acknowledged what he said and shared some of their own frustrations, and then they agreed to do something they all wanted to do (go to the park).  And so it was done! Ben told me later that he felt much better, and was happy with the way it had all worked out.  Granted, this was a fairly typical, low-level emotional storm, and more traumatic events will require more time and parental coaching, but this was a great "test run" of the process and techniques recommended by Dr. Siegel, and I will certainly use them again when the time comes. In summary:

1. Connect emotionally with your child (listen and acknowledge their feelings).
2. Ask him to name the emotion(s) he's feeling.
3. Ask him to describe how those emotions feel in his body.
4. Have him look around the room if he gets stuck in an emotional loop (i.e. keeps remembering the upsetting event and getting upset again).   Important:  Reassure him that he does not need to stop crying, but that you just want him to look around the room as he does.
5. Once calm, facilitate storytelling. As Dr. Siegel emphasizes, make sure you "respect their desires about how and when to talk -- especially because pressuring them to share will only backfire."

"The drive to understand why things happen to us is so strong 

that the brain will continue to try 

making sense of an experience until it succeeds."

~  Daniel Siegel, M.D.

A Simple Fall

One of the lasting impacts of all those years I spent in school is that Fall always feels like a beginning to me.  The frenzied summertime rush to do it all --- vacations, amusement parks, summer camps, overnight guests, and every outdoor concert and art fair is over, replaced by cooler nights (though still-warm days) and a return to a regular routine.  After a solid month of guests (our guest room was totally booked in August!), the beginning of September found me breathless and tired and vowing to simplify my life. I enjoyed seeing the family and friends who were here (well, mostly anyway!), but am overjoyed to have my house back to myself and more control over my days.

And I'm not alone.  Since our final guests departed almost a week ago, I've certainly noticed that I'm feeling more centered and calm, but it struck me just today that the boys have been more settled as well.  They've been choosing quieter activities, like reading and Legos, over the more typical choice of Nerf gun battles.  And they've been very connected, both physically and otherwise, to me and my husband.  When I asked Ben how he was feeling the other day, he said "I'm glad to have our tight-knit family tight again."

So, as I regain my energy this week, I am reminding myself that we don't need to take advantage of every opportunity to sign up for a new class or take on a new activity.  The temptations to fill our time and "not miss out" are strong for me, and the vow to simplify is easily broken amidst the excitement of possibility (if you could only see what our schedule looked like last Fall!). But the joy we've all been feeling this week as we wake up and realize we don't have to rush out anywhere, or to entertain anyone, or to quickly clean the house before the next guest arrives is sweet -- and very much worth savoring!

Developing Minds

We have family friends visiting this week, and they have an eleven-year-old son who is very good friends with my eleven-year-old.  The first few days of their visits are always fun and exciting, but inevitably the "Rule of 3's" surfaces.  That is, three kids cannot play happily together for too long before someone feels left out. This is especially true if one of the three is younger, as is the case for my eight-year-old son right now.

So, I was not surprised this morning when the sounds of boys playing with Legos changed to sounds of boys arguing.  I went to investigate and ended up listening from another room, curious about how they might solve whatever problem had ignited them. My younger son, Ben, was clearly the one who was most upset, and was very frustrated that the other two seemed to have "joined forces" against him.  In short, he was feeling left out.  After a few minutes he angrily left the other two and went to his room, where I joined him.

Now, anyone who knows Ben at all knows two things about him:  1)  He is extremely heart-centered, and 2) His big brother, Sam, owns the prime real estate of Ben's heart.  So when someone or something else takes too much of Sam's time or attention, Ben's emotional snow globe gets shaken.  He feels all sorts of emotions all at once:  sad, angry, scared (that "Sam doesn't love me anymore!"), and trying to reason with him in the moment is impossible.  Today's incident was not the first of its kind, and I've been researching ways to help him through these emotionally overwhelming times.

The book entitled "The Whole-Brain Child", by Dr. Daniel Siegel of UCLA, has been my primary guide to understanding these emotional storms and helping Ben through them.  From the very beginning of the book, Dr. Siegel describes the moments when our kids "become overwhelmed by their emotions, confused and chaotic", when they "can't respond calmly and capably to the situations at hand", as the moments when the various parts of their brain are not integrated.  Fortunately, the strategies he recommends for integrating the brain are very simple and, as I look at the now-smiling face of my eight-year-old, very effective.  Here's a summary of the process I used with Ben earlier today, including some of the suggestions from Dr. Siegel (first two steps) and another one I picked up from a mindfulness educator I recently met:

1. Name the emotion.  Based on MRIs conducted on adults and children, it turns out that just naming the emotion we're feeling helps our brains begin the process of "unflooding" so we can think more clearly. I know -- hard to believe, but I've tested it with both of my boys, and it's true!
2. Describe how the body feels.  Ask your child how the emotion(s) they just named (anger, sadness, whatever) feel in their body.  Bringing awareness to the body, even if your child says "I don't know how my body feels!!" re-engages the pre-frontal cortex -- the problem-solving part of the brain.
3. Look around the room.   You may notice that even after your child starts calming down (after the first two steps), they sometimes ramp back up again as they remember whatever triggered them in the first place.  If you find your child in this loop (as Ben was this morning), tell them that you're not going to ask them to stop crying, but that you do want them to slowly look around the room as they do.  This process visually (and unconsciously) reminds them that they are safe -- no tigers or bears here. You might even verbally reinforce this by softly saying something like "You're safe here".

This is exactly the process I followed with Ben and, once his emotions were under control, we had a short conversation with the two older boys in which Ben explained why he was upset.  That interaction went very well (I'll describe it in more detail in a future post), and now we're all happily heading out to the playground.  Whew!

Math + Clock = Anxiety

It has become apparent to me over the past few months that anxiety is a recurring issue for both of my sons, though they show it in different ways and are triggered by different things.  For my eleven-year-old son, anxiety tends to show up primarily when doing schoolwork, and especially if he is taking any type of timed test (as he was required to do a few weeks ago).  In helping him get ready to take his state test, we spent lots of time preparing, and mostly focused on math as this seemed to be the subject that made him the most uncomfortable.  No fan of math tests myself (who doesn't remember the heart-thumping, palm-sweating race through pages of problems, dreading the words "pencils down"?), I tried to share all of my best test-taking wisdom, but honestly I'm not sure much of it really helped lower his anxiety level.

Several days after his test, I was amazed at the coincidence when I came across an article in Education Week related to this very topic:  "Timed Tests and the Development of Math Anxiety."  Written by a professor of math education at Stanford, Jo Boaler, the author describes important research results about math testing that all parents and teachers need to be aware of:

• Math stress impedes students' working memory (the area of the brain used for storing math facts and calculating numbers), which reduces achievement.
• Math test anxiety has a higher negative impact on students who have the largest working memories -- as the author says, "the very students who have the potential to take mathematics to higher levels."
•  Math anxiety actually "changes the structure and workings of the brain."  

  
Unfortunately for our children, as Dr. Boaler points out, timed math tests are likely to continue amongst even the earliest grades given the emphasis in many curriculums on "math fluency" (working quickly) versus a focus on understanding and applying math concepts.  As parents it is difficult to change the system on our own, so what can we do?  I think our best recourse is to reassure our kids that we will support them, and to provide them with strategies to reduce their anxiety. Here are some specific ideas for doing this:

For All Ages

1.  Talk to the teacher.  With the school year starting soon, most teachers schedule parent-teacher conferences early in the year.  Use this opportunity to ask your child's teacher to describe their approach to teaching math, and be prepared to ask questions about how the teacher plans to help students manage anxiety and ensure true understanding of math concepts. Be prepared to mention some of the research (see link above) since many teachers may not be aware of the current information.

2.  Talk to your child.  Ask how they feel about math and math tests, and ask what you can do to help them feel more prepared and less anxious.  Notice how your own issues with math may unexpectedly show up, and feel free to talk about them with your child -- they'll notice anyway.

 For Children in Early Grades (K-5)

3.  Demonstrate the value of math.  Help your child see how math is used in everyday activities:  weighing produce at the grocery store, estimating the grocery bill as you shop, making change, calculating sales taxes and tips, figuring out the area of a room. Kids who understand the value of math will be more likely to see it as important, not just something they have to do at school.

4.  Make it fun.  I know, most of us don't think of "fun" and "math" together, but it is possible to connect these two concepts for our kids.  Logic puzzles and creative problem-solving games help kids build skills to understand math concepts and, maybe more importantly, build self-confidence.  One of my favorites that my kids actually enjoy (I promise!) is doing "Perplexors" and "Math Perplexors" together (both by MindWare).

For Older Children (Junior High and High School)

5. Encourage questions.  By sixth grade it's likely that your child has already decided whether or not they are "good" at math, and talking about it with you may not be high on their priority list.  If you have an opportunity, though, strongly encourage your child to ask questions during math class.  Research has shown that those who do best in math tend to ask a lot of questions.  Most kids this age are trying to blend in, and answering a question incorrectly or doing anything else that may open them to ridicule is a fate worse than death.  However, reassuring them that most people experience anxiety about math may help.
6. Create a mantra.  In a stressful moment, nothing works better to focus the mind and calm the nerves than deep breathing and a self-affirming mantra.  You and your child should come up with something that works for them, but here are a few suggestions to work from:

• My self-worth is not based on how well I do math.
• I am capable of learning math.
• I have the right to define success for myself.

I would love to hear other ideas from parents who have had success helping their kids overcome math anxieties, so if you have something to share, please do! 


 

How Easy It Is

June has passed by in a flash, and as I sit here and review the past month in my mind, I realize how easy it is to get swept away by the busyness of normal everyday life. It's true that June was exceptionally busy for me and my family -- Sam had to take his 5th grade state test (a requirement for homeschoolers in Oregon) and some extra preparation was required given his level of test anxiety, my husband was traveling more than usual, and Sam celebrated his 11th birthday.  Not to mention that gymnastics practices and swimming practices changed to their summer schedules mid-month, so an entire re-planning of the regular routine was required. But our family is not different from most others and, truthfully, in any given month there's always something new or unusual that requires adjustment or planning.

So, I am reminded how easy it is to be distracted from things that are important to me.  Doing the things that keep me healthy and centered took a back seat to family needs this month, and I can feel the impact this has had on my energy level, creativity, and general mood. The vision of the mother overwhelmed by all that is on her plate, too busy to take care of herself, is a cliche at this point, I know. I will not take time to describe her once again, or explore why she exists -- I (we) just do.  The Buddhists have a meditation practice of gently, non-judgmentally returning your attention to your breath when you realize your mind has wandered, and that is what I will do today as we begin a new month:  gently and mindfully I will exercise, write, and maybe even take a nap!

When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, 

we lose connection with one another -- and  ourselves.

~ Jack Kornfield

Taking the Reins

As I immerse myself in the current research and discussions on the topic of student motivation, I'm feeling both frustrated and relieved.  Relieved because there are so many thoughtful researchers and educators who are tuned into this issue, and frustrated because the information and dialogues seem to involve such a small group of people.  In my experience as a parent who was very involved in my children's classrooms for the years they attended (a charter school and a public elementary school), and through my discussions with my network of family and friends, I have seen little evidence that any of the ideas for engaging students in the classroom and creating opportunities for them to drive their own education have "trickled down" into the typical school environment.  There are many reasons for this, and I know there are many experts and politicians who are talking about fixing the US public education system, but for those with kids in school now, there's no time to wait.

So on the individual level, as parents and teachers, we're going to have to do this -- to lead the way and make sure our kids get the best education possible. And this will likely require developing a plan that includes a variety of different resources from outside of the classroom:  assisted homework, family projects that apply classroom learning, summer classes, tutors, internships, mentors, and more.  This may sound like too much work for the many families who are already tremendously time-constrained, and there's no doubt that time and energy will be required, but I honestly believe it's doable, and that even small changes will have an impact.

Therefore, this is my mission with this blog:  to support families who are trying to do the best for their children's education with limited time and finances.  I will bring the most relevant and useful information, tools, and ideas I can to this space and will, as frequently as possible, describe my own successes and failures in incorporating different methods and tools in educating my own sons. And along the way, I hope to build a network of supportive families who can share their own experiences and help inspire us all.

"It's no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' 
You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary."

-Winston Churchill